Not many people knew this, but Rapunzel held the world record for having the longest hair of any human being ever. People credited her for it, but I think the hair was more important than her. Me. Without me, she wouldn’t even have gotten close to the record! Why does she get all the credit? Oh, how the world is cold.
Anyhow, I had the flowing locks of a goddess. Everyone stared at me from the handsome princes to the old and ugly beggars from the outskirts of town. I was hot. Many always wondered how I came to be. They always ask Rapunzel what shampoo or conditioner she used and she would typically reply with Head and Shoulders or Herbal Essences but if I were her I would’ve said, “You can’t get these babies by using shampoo. It’s all natural, baby.”
But, seriously, I was all natural…sort of. See, many years ago there was a man and a woman that lived nearby a garden which belonged to a wicked witch, who had great power and was dreaded by the entire world. The woman, who suddenly became sick, believed that the rapunzel plant in the garden was the only cure for her sickness. Her husband, trying to be a good spouse, sneaked into the garden, but was caught by the wicked witch. When the husband told her what he came for, they made a deal that in order to get the rapunzel, the couple would have to give up their first child to her. He gladly accepted, thinking the wicked witch would forget the promise. So much for being a good father.
Of course, the wicked witch didn’t forget when the couple had a baby girl a year later. She raised the little girl, which she named Rapunzel after the plant her father came to take, in the garden behind the couple’s house. Rapunzel grew up to be a beautiful child with long golden hair, otherwise known as me. When Rapunzel turned twelve years old, the wicked witch decided to lock her up in a high tower, without any doors or even a staircase, in case she tried to run away. Man, what a witch, huh? Surprisingly, Rapunzel liked it up there. I don’t know why because it was so boring up there. The witch didn’t even think of putting a TV inside. It was just me and her by ourselves. Things didn’t get any better when Rapunzel would talk to herself about how much she enjoyed watching the life of the forest, but sometimes she reminisced about the garden she grew up in. Bleh! All this girl talk is killing me. Life is a bitch.
For food, the witch would come everyday to feed Rapunzel. She would say, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.” She would then climb up using me as a rope and come in through the window. The first time she did this, I was not a very happy camper. Having already been plaited, I thought the weight of the witch would make things worse. Being plaited is like having a wedgie…but everywhere, and I was right; the witch weighed like an elephant. The prince, however, was a different story. Apparently, a young prince heard Rapunzel singing one time, so he rode down to the tower. He seemed mystified by her voice which I found laughable because she was clearly off key when she tried to hit the high notes. Seeing no door, he wondered how anyone could even get inside the tower. Luckily, the witch also came by and he saw her climb up the tower by my help.
When she left, the prince did exactly what the witch did. He called out, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.” He climbed up and I grimaced for his weight, but surprisingly he was much lighter than the witch. When he eventually got to the top and saw Rapunzel, it was clear that he had the hots for her. I saw it in his eyes. From then on, he would come everyday and the two would talk for hours. It was clear that they fell in love with each other.
It turned out that Rapunzel also wondered why the witch was so much heavier than the prince, so she asked her. I never knew witches were so sensitive about their weight until then when she went into a rage and cut all of Rapunzel’s hair off and led her into the forest without food or shelter. The witch took me up into the tower and waited.
That night, when the prince came by as usual and cried, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair,” the witch let me down and the prince proceeded to climb up the tower. He was so surprised when he saw the ugly witch instead of the beautiful Rapunzel.
The witch tried to scratch his eyes out yelling, “Aha! So you are the visitor who has been coming to see my little Rapunzel. I will make sure you won’t see her again.” Quickly, the prince jumped out of the window and landed in a clump of bushes. From there, the prince stumbled blindly into the forest with a badly scratched face and a searing pain in his eyes. While walking, he heard singing once again and he followed it and found Rapunzel. He ran towards her and they kissed. As she did so, his eyes were healed and he could see again. The prince then took Rapunzel to his father’s palace where he told him what had happened. Rapunzel’s parents were also reunited with their daughter. The king made a proclamation of banning the witch from the kingdom and a grand wedding was held for Rapunzel and the prince and everyone lived happily ever after. The witch was never seen again. It’s a good thing they got rid of that insensitive, lying bitch. As for me, I thankfully grew back on top of Rapunzel’s head.
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