Sunday, September 12, 2010
Setting - An Unpopulated Desert Island
I woke up without opening my eyes, not wanting to wake up. The warmth of the white-hot sand that was underneath me provided a comfortable, cozy feeling for my body. The sound of the crashing waves against the rocks nearby soothed me into a calm, relaxed mood. With no hope of falling back asleep, I finally opened my eyes to reveal the horrible sight before me. My night's sleep is my only escape from all the destruction. Ever since the plane crash, I've been stuck at this deserted island for about 3 days. Debris from the plane and the ghastly stench of dead bodies was all around me as I stood up. I was the only survivor. The fact that no one lives at this island only made life so much worse. Finding food was very difficult. I searched everywhere from the crevices of the rocks along the beach, to the shallow waters looking for fish, but had no luck. The one place I haven't searched was the forest. One look at the outskirts of the beach leading into the deep, dark forest already frightened me. The canopies of the gigantic trees created a shadow over what looked like the beach. On the first day, I gathered up the courage to try to hunt for food, but backed out when I heard a thunderous growl from what sounded like a lion. I don't know how I'm going to survive any longer.
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Like how you start off with a description of pleasant/soothing things only to turn it into a portrayal of horror.
ReplyDeleteAlso liked the descriptive imagery provided.
You need to pay attention to your verb tenses, as I noticed you tend to switch between them (also when writing a narrative, it should be in the literary present).
You also will want to work on the flow of your works, as this seems to be rather choppy.
very nice details leading up to the plane crash. It's very deceptive. You also leave with a nice cliffhanger, that leaves the question on how you're going to get food.
ReplyDeleteFor improvements: tenses, you use present and past.
Maybe include what happened on days 2 and 3. You mentioned three days but only explained a detail from day 1
I like it a lot. Like Steve said you leave us with a good cliff hanger. The only thing I would change is the line "white hot sand", because I at first thought of white hot as meaning like hot enough to char flesh instantly. Overall it was nice to read and flowed well.
ReplyDeleteI like how you started out the piece with a calm pleasant mood and then switched into a dark mood later on.
ReplyDeleteI also liked when you said, "My night's sleep is my only escape from all the destruction."
I would try to rephrase some of your sentences, such as when you were describing how the lack of people on the island made life "so much worse".
The sentences were also a bit choppy at times.
Replace some of the linking verbs with action verbs and this will really brighten! Also, try not to fall into patterns at the beginnings of sentences.
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